Jarring
by macrauchenia
Summary: "Shinya will be the death of me. He's worse than those bloodsuckers." - When Yuu overhears Guren complaining about his greatest enemy, he's desperate to destroy the threat before he loses anyone else. In fact, Yuu is so desperate that he'll take help from anyone - including a grinning, silver haired soldier who seems to know a bit too much about this fearsome "Shinya."


**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. It all belongs to its rightful creators.

 **Author's Note:** Okay, so they expect us to believe that in the four years that Yuu's lived under Guren's protection, he _never_ saw Shinya once? Like, that makes no sense to me, 'cause Shinya wouldn't be able to not mess with things. I know Yuu says that he's never seen Shinya before when Kureto questions him, but we all know how bad that poor child's memory is.

So, essentially, this is my take on their first meeting. I'm sorry it's so long. I just meant to plop out a few thousand words-not this.

Also, the only warning for this is language, 'cause it is a Guren-central fic after all.

* * *

 _What have I done?_

Looking back, Guren supposed he did a very bad thing.

It wasn't necessarily bad for _him_ , which was why he didn't feel that guilty about setting Yuu on some poor soul. He felt sorry for whoever was at the receiving end of the kid's anger, which meant he usually spent a lot of time feeling sorry for himself. Guren figured it was about damn time he got a break.

Guren could claim that the kid didn't scare the shit out of him, but that was a lie. Especially when he wore that determined, raging glare as he stomped through the halls, searching for his newest victim. He was mildly concerned for said target, a certain silver haired soldier who should have been fleeing for his life if he knew what was good for him.

But did mean he felt guilty enough to warn Shinya?

Hell, no. He just hoped the snot nosed brat didn't break any more fucking furniture in the meantime. His dwindling stipend couldn't handle much more.

* * *

Guren's day had started like every other day had for the past two weeks: too fucking early.

"Heeeeey! Guuuuren!"

Guren buried his face deeper into his pillows, releasing a rather demonic growl into his spittle-dampened pillowcase. Maybe if he stayed still enough, the brat would lose interest. Maybe it was all just a never-ending nightmare…

"Oi! Guren! Hey! Guren!"

His burning eyes popped open.

No such luck.

The shouts were now accompanied by furious pounding on his door. If Guren left the kid for any longer, his door would have a nice, new peephole. Guren groaned again, rolled onto his back, and glared at the ceiling, savoring the last fleeting warmth of the blankets over his chest and legs before kicking them off. He swung his knees over the edge of the bed, planted his bare feet on the cold tile, and sat up with another exacerbated groan. He was wide-awake now thanks to Yuu's incessant noise, but he wanted to play the martyr as long as possible. Even if no one else was there, at least the fucking universe could give him some damn sympathy.

Guren crossed to the door and wrenched it open, catching Yuu mid-knock.

"What the fu— _hell_ do you want?" Guren demanded, his belated correction unfortunately taking the edge off his snarl.

When they first found Yuu a month ago, Sayuri had scolded him for using excessive profanity in front of a traumatized twelve-year-old, claiming it would hinder Yuu's progress. Guren supposed he censored himself a bit too much, because instead of gradually opening up at a manageable pace, the infuriating kid went from silence to being an explosive monster. The first few weeks had been—fortunately—largely quiet, sprinkled only with a few nightmares and snotty tears. Those were the easydays, back when Guren had thought _hiccups_ were the most annoying sound the brat could make.

But now that the kid's shit eating grin had managed to infiltrate his once uninterrupted sleep schedule, he would give anything for the silent bliss he had so foolishly taken for granted. Hell, he'd even take dripping mucus and two-in-the-morning-screaming over this new menace. For the past two weeks without fail, Yuu would find some stupid excuse to bang on his door at some god-awful hour in the morning and ruin the start of Guren's day.

" _Finally_ you woke up. I've been calling for you for…for… _minutes!_ "

God, he fucking hated children. It really made him question his goals in restoring humanity. Why the hell was he fighting so hard for a bunch of whiny brats?

" _What do you want?!"_

"Stupid Guren! I want to learn how to kill the vampires! Get your ass out of bed and teach me!"

Guren suppressed the urge to slam the door and stalk back to his rapidly cooling bed. He didn't have time for this. Shinya had already threatened to drag him from his bed and personally escort him to the officers' meeting in a few hours. Guren suppressed a yawn, unfortunately well aware of how difficult it was to stay awake during those meetings with a _full_ night's sleep. With only half a night of rest, he dreaded Shinya's jokes and jeers for when he would inevitably fall asleep.

Since he was already grudgingly awake, he figured he would make the most of it and start preparing for the day. As he rooted through his closet, Guren continued to complain.

"First I have to deal with damn Shinya all the time, but now you too? I never should have gone to that damn cave to save your worthless ass." Guren proceeded to grumble incoherently as he fumbled around in his drawer for socks, but broke off when he wasn't interrupted by Yuu's counter curses, as their morning ritual usually demanded. Instead of looking defensive, Yuu simply looked thoughtful.

"Damn Shinya?" he echoed, following Guren into his room.

"Eh? You're still here?"

"Who's that?" Guren blinked before breaking out in humorless chuckles. If he had to guess, he would say Yuu almost sounded jealous.

 _The brat already sucks up most of my time. What more does he want?_

"If I had to pick between a room full of vampires and that bastard, I'd pick the bloodsuckers." Guren examined an undershirt, sniffed it delicately, and tossed it over his shoulder. "At least they wouldn't drag out the misery."

"So this Shinya guy is as bad as the vampires?"

Guren had his back to Yuu, so he couldn't see the rising concern on the kid's face. He also missed the furious blaze in the Yuu's eyes, which, quite frankly, reminded Guren of unhinged psychopaths. Likewise, Yuu couldn't see the fond smile on Guren's face before the latter smothered it.

 _I can't be letting the brat know that I can actually tolerate certain people. Especially if they're as annoying as Shinya. He might get ideas._

"He's _worse_ than vampires," Guren shuddered, imagining the overzealous laugh that would bubble from Shinya's lips. _That freak of nature is too damn happy all the time._ "That bastard will be the death of me—I _know_ it."

Guren finally shrugged on his jacket and adjusted his buckles. "Speaking of death and vampires, since you already got me up, we might as well—Yuu?" He turned around, only to see an empty doorway.

He pulled his mouth into a wry frown, even going as far as to step out in the hallway and peek around the deserted corner.

 _If that brat was just going to run away after five minutes, what was the fucking_ _point of waking me up?_

It wasn't until Shinya announced himself two hours later, his lilting call easily audible from several meters away and _through Guren's goddamn closed door_ , did Guren realize what holy terror he had unleashed on them all. Guren considered the consequences of his words as Shinya chatted animatedly about nothing. He nodded along absently at each of the other's bad jokes and asinine comments.

Hell, if Yuu managed to shut Shinya up for even five minutes, then the past month would be more than worth it. Guren would give the kid the damn medal himself. He swore that he wouldn't intervene in whatever Yuu had planned; he also decided he wasn't going to warn Shinya.

An experiment or revenge, he wasn't exactly sure what to call it.

* * *

Yuu had heard enough.

He waited in the shadows, twisting and wringing his sweaty hands as he replayed Guren's earlier words.

" _He's worse than vampires."_

" _That bastard will be the death of me."_

Yuu made a face, wrinkling his nose in disgust. _Stupid Guren would rather be killed by vampires than this Shinya bastard? He must be really horrible then._

It wasn't like Yuu really cared about Guren's wellbeing. No, _most definitely_ not _._ He would _never_ admit that he was _worried_ for Guren and his deadly rival. Yuu shuffled his feet quietly, mashing his lips together in a frustrated pout. He didn't care about Stupid Guren, but he couldn't let someone else kill him before Guren taught him how to kill the vampires. That's the _only_ reason he was going to save him, Yuu told himself.

At the sound of approaching footsteps, he pressed himself further against the cool stone wall. He wasn't supposed to be there, lurking a few meters away from the Hiiragi war room entrance, but he _had_ to catch a glimpse of this infamous Shinya.

Guren passed by, accompanied by another young man with silver hair. Yuu's eyes caught on his fair hair and wide smile; the combination reminded him painfully of Mika.

 _Don't think about that now,_ Yuu chastised himself, wrinkling his nose to fight the muted burn behind his eyes.

"Uh oooh…" The other man slowed to a stop and shuffled through the large stack of files in his hands. "I think I forgot something!" Guren merely paused, shooting him an annoyed glance over his shoulder. "Would you save me a seat?"

"No."

"So mean~!" He glanced up from his papers to shoot Guren a teasing smile. Yuu felt himself growing bored with their exchange. He decided to watch for others entering.

 _Guren said_ he _was going to be here. Maybe I can sto—_

Yuu fell silent. There wasn't much he could do to protect Guren. After all, he had been too weak to protect his own family. He stifled a looming sob, feeling the fiery sensation in his chest. Only a few feet away, the silver haired guy glanced up from his files and his vibrant blue eyes found Yuu, still buried in the shadows.

 _How the hell did he see me?!_

He inhaled sharply, feeling his heart pound at the inescapability of having his cover blown. Guren had strictly forbade him from sneaking around; it was only a matter of time before the stranger revealed him.

However, instead of shouting at him, the man nearly winked at Yuu, almost as if saying "our little secret."

"Oi! Are you coming or not? Hurry up!"

The man whipped his gaze from Yuu to Guren, keeping the same wide smile plastered across his face. "Aww! You didn't have to wait for me~! I just asked for you to save me a seat."

Guren crossed his arms and rolled his eyes good-naturedly. He made an indescribable grunt in the back of his throat, a sound that Yuu usually associated with Guren ruffling his hair.

"I'd rather not sit next to anyone in your goddamn family. I can barely tolerate _you._ Besides, I'd like to keep my soul as long as possible before your brother starts dissecting it with those damn razor-brows. _"_

 _Maybe this guy's brother is the Shinya bastard?_

The silver haired man laughed again and the two disappeared through the heavy doors.

Yuu shook his head and went back to canvasing the rest of the hallway. Whoever Guren's partner was, he couldn't be the infamous Shinya that Guren had complained about. He looked…

Well, if Yuu had to be blunt (which he usually was), this silver haired guy looked too pleasant and silly to be a threat to Guren. Still, whoever he was, he had a nasty family, a fact Yuu cautiously filed away for later.

When no one else came to the meeting and his feet started to fall asleep, Yuu decided he had to get information through more creative means.

* * *

Yuu decided to target Guren's squad next. He had had limited contact with them after his rescue, since Guren preferred to keep him hidden as much as possible.

However, even in that short time period, Yuu knew _exactly_ who the weakest link was.

He cornered Goshi when the older man had just come out of the bathroom, the latter whistling off-key while rubbing his hands against his once pristine uniform.

"Oi! Goshi-san!"

Goshi jumped, looked over his shoulder, and then made an obvious show of looking down.

"Hey, Yuu-kun! I haven't seen you in a while. Guren keeps you locked up all the time."

"I need to ask you something, but you can't tell Guren."

"If you're looking for his porn stash, you need to wait until you hit puberty, kid."

Yuu crossed his arms, an irritated frown rising on his lips. "That's not what I want!"

"Mmmhmmm… _Right._ "

"Who's Shinya?" Yuu blurted. He didn't have time for pointless prattling.

"Shinya…?" Goshi blinked slowly. Whatever he was expecting, that wasn't it.

"I need to know who this Shinya bastard is that Guren always complains about so I can bea— _hey!_ Are you laughing?"

Goshi composed himself with a harsh clearing of his throat. He forced a solemn stare and shook his head with the utmost stiffness. "I wasn't laughing, I swear. It was just something…lodged…in my throat… Anyway, what's all this about Shinya and Guren?"

Yuu exhaled before recounting his story. "And so Guren said that this Shinya bastard would be the death of him. I can't have that, 'cause Stupid Guren needs to teach me how to kill the vampires. So, I have to get rid of Shinya so I can avenge my family," he finished with a firm, determined nod.

Goshi's face was still flushed and his shoulders trembled periodically, but he managed to maintain a cracked version of a serious expression.

"You were right to come to me with such dangerous information," Goshi added after another solid pause. "Guren's life is indeed in danger."

"Tell me about him!"

Goshi turned away, pantomiming extreme distress. "I can't, otherwise you might go after him yourself. If he causes yours _and_ Guren's death, I couldn't bear it."

"I _promise_ I won't go after him then. I just want… I want to be cautious so I can avoid him!"

"Hmm, well if _that's_ the case," Goshi turned back around, the corners of his lip flickering upwards. "I'll tell you whatever you need to know."

"Yes! Please!"

"Alright, so Shinya has these really mean looking eyes. They're blue and cold—like death!" Yuu nodded eagerly as Goshi spouted each fact.

"He loves to make fun of other people and he's not very bright. Also, he isn't nearly as attractive as me. He's actually kind of weird looking. And when he sneezes, he som—"

"Can't you tell me something more important?"

Yuu suppressed the urge to roll his eyes. He had forgotten how obnoxious Goshi was at times.

" _Fine_ then. This next thing is the most important."

He inched closer, his eyes widening. This could be it, the monster's fatal weakness.

"Shinya absolutely _loves_ sweet things, especially jam."

"Jam?"

Goshi leaned forward, his eyebrows knitting together in a conspiratorial wrinkle. "Well, some _say_ it's jam. I personally like to believe he spreads the blended organs of his victims on his toast."

Yuu jerked back, holding back the bile that had burbled in his throat. "Euuch! What the hell!?"

"Hey, he's a real bad dude, remember?"

He wrinkled his nose. "Yeah, but that's just sick!"

"You asked. Besides, it's not like it matters, right? Because you aren't going to do anything, right? Because this Shinya guy is dangerous, okay?"

Yuu pulled his contorted sneer into an obedient smile. "Right! But you can't tell Guren that you told me this."

"Pfft, like I don't have anything better to do." Goshi considered Yuu for a moment before turning away.

"Good luck, kid—and be careful."

Yuu's smile dropped into a contemplative pucker, aimed for Goshi's retreating back.

 _So… Jam, huh?_

* * *

For the next part of his plan, Yuu knew that he couldn't ask Goshi for where Shinya lived. After all, he didn't want his plan to be _too_ obvious, even for Goshi.

Instead, he found Sayuri bent over her clipboard, hurriedly scribbling notes from an earlier meeting. He watched her bustle around the corner, murmuring softly under her breath. Yuu trailed after her, waiting for the opportune moment.

 _Great. She's distracted. Maybe she won't be suspicious…maybe Goshi didn't tell her yet._

"Sayuri-san! Sayuri-san!" Yuu called, jogging beside her. She jumped slightly at his voice and turned her head. After a pause, realization set in and a friendly smile replaced her bewildered blink.

Yuu felt himself return a genuine grin. Of Guren's squad, he was quite fond of Sayuri-san.

"Uh, hello, Yuu-kun! I'm sorry if I'v—"

Yuu cut her off with a bashful shrug. "I didn't mean to interrupt you," he began, layering his voice with the smoothest of honeys. "I just had a quick question."

Sayuri's shy smile brightened. "Don't worry about it! What do you need?"

Yuu paused before posing his question. He needed to make sure it sounded completely ordinary. He watched her gaze bend back towards the clipboard and waited a moment longer for optimal distraction.

"Where does Shinya go?"

"Wha…?" Sayuri faltered mid-step and glanced back at Yuu with a furrowed frown. "The Major General?"

 _Damn. This Shinya bastard outranks Guren? He has to be really strong then._ Yuu felt a small twinge of apprehension tempting him to abandon the entire quest. _No, you have to save Stupid Guren so he can teach you how to kill the vampires._

Yuu offered a nervous chuckle, scratching the back of his neck while glancing off in the distance.

"Uh… Guren said something about avoiding Shinya, so I wanted to make sure I wouldn't wander in the wrong direction…?" He winced the moment it came out of his mouth. Guren hadn't technically forbade him to find Shinya, but both his and Goshi's negative opinions obviously meant trouble.

Instead of refusing him immediately, Sayuri burst into gentle giggles. "I'm sure he did say that at some time. Well, if the Lieutenant Colonel thinks you shouldn't go near Shinya-san, then I suppose he knows best. His office is near the other Hiiragis." Sayuri tapped her chin in careful thought. "I suppose you probably should just avoid that whole hallway in general… The hallway directly past that gigantic conference room."

Although her directions weren't the most specific, Yuu could figure out the rest from there.

"Thank you!" Yuu called over his shoulder before disappearing, leaving Sayuri blinking owlishly in the abandoned hallway. She shrugged and carried on her way to the army classroom.

 _So peculiar…. Compared to him, the rest of my students seem so normal. I wonder what it would be like to have someone like that in the class._

* * *

After hours of careful surveillance and sneakiness, Yuu had finally found Shinya's room.

(He probably could have found it sooner if the door tag hadn't been written in Kanji; in his defense, it wasn't like the vampires made their livestock's education a priority.)

Yuu pressed his ear to the wooden door, straining to hear voices inside. When he could hear nothing for several minutes, he took a deep breath and jiggled the doorknob. Much to his surprise, it wiggled freely.

 _Either he's too dumb to lock his doors…or everyone else knows not to go in._

Yuu took another deep breath before pushing further down on the handle. Guren had left an hour ago for another one of his meetings; Yuu hoped Shinya had gone to it as well, leaving his room abandoned. He pushed the door in and shuffled quietly into the room, encouraged by the vacant darkness.

Yuu's hand fumbled across for the wall before his sweaty fingers brushed over the cool plastic light switch. He squeezed his eyes shut before flicking the lights on.

He slowly pried his eyes open, expecting to see grisly remains and barbaric torture devises strewn about the room. Instead, the room seemed disappointingly _normal._ Yuu opened his eyes fully and frowned at the clean furniture and dust-free books, tucked away and ordered on the multiple bookshelves. Yuu wandered deeper into the room, his eyes straying to a discarded book resting on one of the cushions.

 _Hey… I think that's one of Guren's books!_ He could vaguely remember Guren reading from the book while Yuu had drifted back to sleep after a particularly volatile nightmare. _I bet that Shinya bastard stole it from him!_

Yuu reached towards the book before pulling his arm back. No, if he presented Guren with the book, Guren would likely figure out where it had come from and who Yuu had to cross to get it back.

 _No, you have another job, remember? Do it and get out before that monster comes back!_

He pursed his lips and slowly turned about the room, searching for something _very_ specific. His gaze landed on a sparkling jar, lovingly placed upon the desk and framed by glittering knives and pristine glassware.

 _There it is._

* * *

Shinya sighed.

 _Scritch scratch._ Guren kept writing.

Shinya sighed again.

 _Scriiith scratch scratch scratch._ He furiously scribbled out the mistake, releasing an irritated huff.

Shinya sighed for the _third fucking time._

"What's wrong with you?" Guren lowered his pen and glared in Shinya's direction. The latter was sprawled in an impossibly complex position, each major limb dangling over a different corner of the armchair. Guren's back ached just looking at him.

"Hmmm. Nothing that you can help with."

"Fine." Guren returned to his paperwork, wondering why he had invested in a lock if he never actually used it to keep out the pests. "Keep it to yourself then."

"I could…. But you can still offer moral support though."

"I fully support your decision to shut the hell up."

"Arrrgh," Shinya lazily rolled into a sitting position. He picked at his fingers, his buckles, his sleeve—nearly everything within reach. He fell still for a terrifying moment, his curious blue eyes landing on Guren. Unable to take the pressure of the dual holes boring into his face, Guren dropped his pen and raised his eyes back to meet Shinya's gaze.

" _What?"_

"I didn't even say anything that time!" There was a beat of silence before Shinya's eyes slid over Guren's shoulder. "Though, since you're taking a break, there were a few things I wanted to talk to you about."

"I thought you said I couldn't help you with your damn problems."

"Mmm. This isn't really related, I don't think. I was just curious about how your new mini-killer seemed to be doing."

"He's not mine!" Guren paused, before shrugging. "He's fine, I guess. He eats, shits, and complains a lot—just like any other brat."

"Is he adjusting well? Even with you watching over him? I find that hard to believe…."

"It's not like Sayuri and the others don't fawn all over him," Guren grumbled, recounting multiple moments when his squad had gone too soft on the kid. "I swear he's gained five kilograms since living here."

"Or, you know, he could just be growing. Kids typically do that."

"Whatever. What's it to you anyway? I thought I told you to stay away from him."

"Ahaha, worried I'll corrupt him~?"

"Damn right, I am."

"I just thought I should be kept up to date on his progress, since I'm practically his godfather."

"Ehh!?"

"Well, it's obvious that no one else can stand you except for me. When you inevitably get slashed to pieces by some vampire noble, who else will take care of him? I think we should be formally introduced."

Guren stared at Shinya for several heartbeats, one eye narrowed and lips pursed.

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"What? Why?"

"You might want to just trust me on this one."

 _That was too close._ Guren forced himself to return to his mindless scribbling. Shinya was already starting to get suspicious.

Shinya tipped his head back and slouched against the back of the armchair. "Woaah…" he exhaled, the sigh twirling in the air between them. "This day has been getting weirder and weirder. First, you tell me to trust you. Earlier, I could have sworn I saw your tiny prodigy lurking around my office…"

"Huh?"

Shinya blinked at Guren. "Oh, right. That's why I wanted to ask you about Yuu-kun. Everywhere I go, he seems to be watching from the shadows nearby. It's a bit creepy, honestly. I was wondering if you knew why he kept doing that?"

"The hell would I know?"

"Hmm. Anyway, that wasn't even the weirdest thing! You wouldn't guess what came out of my jam jar this morning!"

"Uh, _jam?"_

"No. Fire ants."

Guren stifled his startled choke with forced coughing.

 _What the hell, kid!? Are you trying to_ kill _him?!_

He pounded on his chest a few times with a tightened fist, hoping to beat apart the lodged chuckle before Shinya caught him.

He needn't have worried; Shinya was too busy reliving the morning's trauma to pay much attention to Guren's strained suffering.

"If I hadn't looked down just in time, I would have taken a bit out of them…" he continued woefully, scratching at his chin while gazing off in the distance. "By the time I realized what I had done, the piece of toast was already smeared in ant guts. I'll have to throw the whole jar away…"

Shinya sounded as if he had endured the pinnacle of human anguish, which Guren through was a bit melodramatic, since the two of them had survived the _fucking apocalypse_.

"It was strawberry too. My favorite…"

 _Damn. The brat sure knows how to pack a punch._

"It's your own fault for leaving such sugary things in your office. I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often."

Shinya pouted with puckered, protruding lips; the expression looked comical on the usually dignified young man. "Aww, _Gur_ en. Won't you feel sorry for me just this once? I could've sworn I made sure the lid was on tight."

Guren offered a delicate snort. He didn't doubt it—Shinya treated his precious jam like a beautiful child. Granted, a child that one would smear on toast and consume, but a prized possession nonetheless.

But by the cruel nature of a jealousy war, defenseless jam was no match for Guren's evil little prodigy.

* * *

He supposed the trick had been petty. He hadn't even had the chance to observe the plan unfurl—loud footsteps had forced him to retreat before the infamous Shinya had yet to return.

Still, until he figured out _exactly_ who this Shinya bastard was, he couldn't do much else than malicious pranks. Although he had thoroughly interrogated each member of Guren's squad, no one could give him a definitive picture of Shinya's appearance or personality.

In his desperation, Yuu had but one more person to turn to.

It was a commonly accepted fact that Guren didn't have many friends. Guren himself claimed that he preferred being alone. However, whenever Yuu would hear voices from within Guren's office or see someone chattering with him in the hallway, it always was the same individual: the silver haired man from earlier.

Yuu didn't bring it up the next time he saw Guren, nor did he offer an explanation for the dirt under his nails. Instead, he waited for Guren disappear back into his office before setting out to find the silver haired man.

Conversely, the man founded him first, sulking in the shadows by the war chamber.

"Looking for someone?"

Yuu jumped and spun around, startled by the man's curious voice in his ear.

"I…no…wait…"

The man watched him with the same patient, amused smile that seemed permanently stitched across his face.

"Should I rephrase it? Looking for me, perhaps?"

"I— How'd you know?"

The man tipped his head back and released a few light peals of laughter. "I thought that was the case. You've been following me around for days now."

Slightly miffed that he hadn't been as stealthy as he had hoped, Yuu crossed his arms. "You're friends with Guren." It was more of a statement than a question.

The man tapped his chin, seemingly lost in a mock thoughtfulness. "I'm not sure that Guren would openly agree, but we've known each other for quite a while."

"So he's told you who his greatest enemies are?"

"Uhm, ye-es…?" The man looked bemused, but not frustrated or suspicious.

"Then you can help me!" Yuu surged forward, his green eyes blazing.

"I can…?"

"Help me get rid of Shinya!"

"Ehh… What?" The man opened his mouth and then shut it, peering down at Yuu with a befuddled frown. Sensing a shift in his ally's mood, Yuu decided to tread carefully.

"Guren told me that this bastard named Shinya was going to be the death of him."

"Did he now?" The man's confusion gradually melted into a pleased smile. The behavior was strange, but since Yuu didn't know the man well, he just chalked it up to his silly personality.

"Uh, yeah. Guren even said he's _worse_ than the vampires." Yuu paused and glanced up hesitantly. "Is that true, by the way?" Guren's squad hadn't been able to give him a straight answer; everyone seemed to have mixed opinions on Shinya.

"That this guy is worse than the vampires? You bet," the man nodded gravely. "He's ridiculously powerful and _very_ clever."

"Really?" Yuu frowned, reviewing what the others had said. "Goshi-san had said Shinya was rather stupid…"

"That ba—I mean, really? What else did Goshi say?"

"Uh, that he was really mean and ugly—" Yuu paused for a moment; the older man had murmured something under his breath, looking faintly offended "—and had uh…"

"What else?" The man leaned forward, his smile wide and encouraging. For the first time, Yuu felt a crackle of apprehension dart up his spine.

"Blue eyes…" He trailed off slowly as his gaze darted towards the man's crinkled, crystalline eyes. Now that he really thought about it, the man in front of him was the first person he had seen that had blue eyes.

 _It's just a coincidence…right? It has to be._

"Hmm… Interesting that Goshi picked _those_ qualities. I would think that's more than enough information to find this Shinya guy. What do you need my help for?"

Yuu fiddled with his fingers, glancing everywhere but at the silver haired man. "I can't get rid of stupid Shinya on my own without help. I already put fire ants in his jam and a dead snake in his boot, but I have to come up with something better."

"Ah, well _that_ certainly clears things up."

"Huh?"

When Yuu eyed him with a suspicious frown, the man quickly countered with another smile and a dismissive flip of his wrist. "Guren told me that his, uh, _greatest enemy_ had a little surprise earlier today. He couldn't figure out how it happened, but he thought it was…quite something."

Yuu relaxed. If Guren didn't suspect him, he could go into the second phase. At least, as soon as the man agreed to help him, he could.

"So, will you help me then? Stop this Shinya bastard before he hurts Guren?"

"Since we're both looking out for Guren's best interests, I suppose we have no other choice but teaming up," the man winked, the corners of his grin stretching upwards. "So, what's the plan, Yuu-kun~?"

Yuu was so excited to save Guren that he never stopped to wonder how the man knew his name. He obviously knew Yuu, but Yuu still didn't know who his mysterious ally was.

As long as he got rid of Shinya, Yuu didn't think it really mattered.

* * *

In the end, they settled on an ambush. The man assured him that Shinya always passed through a certain hallway at approximately this time each day. Although Yuu couldn't figure out how his ally knew such an obscure detail, he couldn't complain. It was his first real chance at seeing the illusive, infamous Shinya.

If everything went well, it would also be the last time.

Yuu's ally even procured a weapon for the attack.

"Are you sure this is real?" Yuu frowned, flipping the sword over to check the glistening back. "It feels really light."

"Have you ever held a sword before?"

"No…" He didn't admit that he once pulled Guren's sword out of its sheath when the latter had been sleeping. Guren's sword had felt much heavier and colder.

The thin blade in his hand felt warmer. And it smelled faintly of strawberries.

"Well, this is a special sword, so that's why it feels different from anything else you might have used," the man carried on, ignoring Yuu's denial. Either he didn't hear him or he knew better.

He had to believe the man. After all, he had come up with most of the plan and the resources. Whoever he was, he obviously wanted Shinya gone too.

"So, do you remember the plan? I'll distract him and on the count of three, you jump out. Got it?"

Yuu nodded.

 _It's now or never._

The man smiled, his crinkled eyes showing far too much mirth at their impending mission.

 _This guy really is a whacko, isn't he?_

"Excellent." He paused and tilted his head, his silver hair falling softly to the side. "I think I hear footsteps. Are you ready to give this Shinya jerk what he deserves?"

"Of course!"

"Well, best of luck then." With another laugh, he disappeared around the corner. Yuu tensed his muscles, squatting in preparation. He tightened his grip around his sword.

 _Why is it so sticky?_

"Shinya? What are you doing here?" Guren's voice sounded appropriately annoyed.

Yuu inhaled sharply.

"What the he—"

 _That bastard's here! Guren's in trouble!_

Without waiting for three, Yuu launched himself around the corner, screaming at the top of his lungs.

* * *

Guren was worried.

He hadn't seen Shinya in several hours.

He hadn't seen Yuu in an entire day.

Normally one of these things occurring would brighten his mood, but when they coincided with one another, Guren got antsy.

( _No pun intended,_ he corrected himself with a disappointed sigh. Shinya was starting to get to him.)

Therefore, when he spotted Shinya lounging against the wall with a content smile, he couldn't help but be cautious.

"Shinya? What are you doing here?"

Instead of answering, Shinya simply yawned and tucked his arms behind his head. Guren narrowed his eyes as his gaze landed on the slip of paper Shinya stealthily tugged from his sleeve.

"What the he—"

Guren was cut off by the sound of a high-pitched shrieking. He turned his head just in time to catch Yuu's murderous expression bearing down on him. The brat tried to skid to a stop, but a suspiciously well-timed boot from Shinya caught his ankle and sent him flying towards Guren. Guren automatically put up his hands, dreading the inevitable missing fingers or limbs when Yuu collided with him.

 _Where the hell did that kid get a sword?_

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Shinya's wicked grin as he ripped the piece of parchment in half.

Then everything went red.

* * *

"Yuu-kun! Yuu-kun!" Yuu groaned and slowly pried his eyes open.

 _What happened…?_

"Yuu-kun!" He craned his neck upwards, wondering why his shoulder hurt so much. His ally's worried blue gaze hovered over him.

"Are you okay?"

Yuu struggled into a sitting position before he realized he was already sitting on someone else. He tumbled off a prone Guren, holding back a panicked shout.

"Guren! What happened?!" Yuu's wide, terrified eyes darted from a crimson covered Guren to his unscathed ally.

"Shinya ran away the moment you came around the corner. I didn't have much time, so I—"

"Guren! Is he dead?" His fingers trembled as he looked down at the stains on his hands. The last time he had seen so much blood—no, Yuu couldn't let himself think about it. He carefully prodded at Guren's relaxed face with a tentative index finger—

Only to have it be slapped away by a murderously furious Guren.

"Guren! You aren't dead!"

"What the hell did you two do?"

"Well, we _didn't_ catch Shinya," the man offered from his spot against the wall, an understandably safe distance from Guren's legs.

"What?" Guren pulled himself in a sitting position. He groaned at the crimson stains along his once crisp uniform before swiveling his frown to Yuu. His uncharacteristically concerned gaze roamed over Yuu, searching for any signs of injury. After all, there had to be an explanation for all the blo—

"I'm glad I found a proper use for it. It would have been a waste to throw it all out."

Guren froze. He wasn't injured. Yuu wasn't injured.

Shinya was ominously satisfied.

The only thing that had taken a hit was his pride.

Ignoring Yuu's startled squawk, Guren sniffed some of the crimson goop before licking his finger. He winced instantly at the sugary overload.

 _It's strawberry jam._

He thought back to the brief second before the collision, barely catching Shinya in time before he ripped up a spell paper.

 _The brat's damn sword was made of fucking strawberry jam. It was all an illusion. He broke the spell before we hit._

Guren would have been more impressed if he didn't currently smell like a preteen girl's shampoo. _Speaking of showers, it'll take hours to wash this shit out of my hair._

Unfamiliar with Hiiragi spells and illusions, Yuu still looked pathetically lost, his dark hair stuck at awkward, sticky angles.

"What…happened?"

"I too would like to know." A cold, low voice sounded behind Guren. Whoever it was, he was not pleased at the explosion of strawberry jelly that coated the hallway.

 _Dammit._

Guren forced a thin-lipped smile before turning to face Kureto. He looked justifiably pissed at the sight of the strawberry carnage.

"I'm not surprised to see the Ichinose mongrel in the middle of this, but it disappoints me to see you tarnish the Hiiragi name." He leveled the silver haired man with a narrowed glare.

He shook it off with a pleasant laugh. "I don't know what happened either, Kureto. I just stumbled upon Guren here…in a bit of a jam."

"Do you think I'm an idiot? It _reeks_ of that damn stuff you always smear on your toast. I _know_ you had something to do with it, Shinya."

Yuu inhaled sharply, paling rapidly under the thin layer of red paste across his cheeks. Kureto turned his solemn stare on Yuu before pinching his nose with another exasperated sigh.

"Whatever. I don't want to know. Just…just… _clean this mess up,"_ he growled before stalking back down the hallway.

Yuu's wide, terrified stare snapped back to his former ally, who smiled and offered a cheery wave with his waggling fingers. Now that his cover was blown, there was no point in pretending anymore.

 _Strawberry jam… Worse than vampires... Blue eyes…_

His ally— _no_ , _mortal enemy_ , Yuu corrected with another twist in his gut—was Shinya Hiiragi.

He had stumbled headfirst into the bastard's trap. His mind was still reeling.

 _He…I…Shinya… Guren?_

Guren no longer seemed angry. Instead, he simply looked tired and unsurprised—almost if he had expected this to happen somehow.

Yes, knowing his god-awful luck, Guren should have known this would happen. He sighed and shook his head.

 _I knew this would somehow bite me in the ass._

* * *

Guren decided they needed a talk.

 _All_ of them.

"I don't know why we're here," Mito declared loudly, tossing her hair over her shoulder to shoot Goshi a deadly glare. "Shigure and I didn't _do_ anything."

Guren rubbed the taunt skin across his temple with a pained sigh.

 _"You_ aren't in trouble. I just figured that it would be best to…introduce everyone again."

"But am I in trouble? I'm so sorry Master Guren—I didn't mean to tell him where the Major General lived—he said that you—I'm sor—"

Guren interrupted a frantic Sayuri with a gentle wave of his hand. "No one's in trouble for giving Yuu information. "

"I don't know," Shinya drawled casually from his perch on the edge of Guren's desk. "I think Goshi intentionally gave some bad intel at my expense."

"As I was saying," Guren continued, speaking over Shinya as if the other hadn't spoken. "No one's in trouble for giving Yuu information except for a certain idiot." Without sparing Shinya a second glance, he swiped at him with a quick jab. Shinya hopped out of danger zone, but remained leaning against the desk at a comfortable distance form Guren's balled fist.

" _Now_ you all know each other, but I'm also going to set a few ground rules."

"First, no one—and I mean _no one_ —gives the brat a fucking sword. That's final." He ignored Yuu's chorus of pleas and muttered insults with another exasperated eye roll.

"Second, _no more goddamn pranks._ From any of you. We're the last chance for humanity against those bloodsuckers. We need to be more dignified than schoolchildren playing stupid jokes."

Guren suspected his inspirational words didn't quite match his tousled hair, stained and sticky from the residual strawberry jam.

"Third, if anyone of you breathes a _word_ of this to the damn Hiirgais, I'll have you scrapping Horsemen guts off of my boots for the rest of eternity. Got it?"

The members of Guren's squad nodded dutifully while Yuu mumbled a disgruntled "whatever."

"Fine then," Guren sighed again, rubbing at his burning eyes. "Goshi, Mito, Shigure, and Sayuri—you're dismissed."

Shinya slipped off the desk, as if to trail after Goshi, but Guren snagged the hem of his uniform and yanked backwards.

"Not _you._ "

"Wah?"

 _"Sit."_

Shinya shrugged and settled down in the armchair next to Yuu. Guren studied them for a moment, wondering when the hell he ever started to care about the two greatest pains in his ass.

( _Damn. That felt weird just_ thinking _that.)_

"Now, I think there might have been some miscommunication here." Shinya snorted delicately, but otherwise remained silent. "Yuu, don't—just don't kill Shinya, okay?"

Yuu grunted something that sounded vaguely like another "whatever."

 _Great. He's going into his "whatever" phase. I thought that wasn't due for another couple of years._

"Alright. Well, if you guys promise to play nice, I'm done with you."

Yuu slipped out of the chair, shooting one last narrowed glare in Shinya's direction. He trudged towards the door, but Guren's pointed throat clearing caused him to pause.

"Oi! Before I forget—" Yuu rolled his head backwards, eyeing Guren cautiously. He dreaded the inevitable punishment.

"Report to my office tomorrow." Guren paused, reconsidering his words. He had to be more careful with what he said now. "Tomorrow _afternoon,_ " he amended, knowing full and well that it probably made little difference.

"Aww, for what?"

 _The brat has potential, but I can't let him know that._

"Your sword form was fucking terrible. The only way you'll ever kill a vampire like that is if it chokes from laughing too hard." Yuu hardly looked pleased with the blunt analysis. "So if you're determined to stab something, I guess I'll have to teach you how to kill those bloodsuckers."

" _Then_ maybe you can go after Shinya." He winked maliciously at Shinya, who responded with a nervous chuckle. It wasn't meant to be a joke.

 _I'll get back at Yuu tomorrow during practice, but I still have to think of a punishment for_ him.

Yuu's face lit up, the fiery determination blazing brightly in his wide eyes. "Really? Yeah! Finally!" Without offering another word, he raced out of the room.

"Excellent parenting, Guren. 'Don't kill Shinya' and give the kid a sword." Shinya shook his head with a fond smile. "You really should publish a book. _How to Raise a Child in the Apocalypse._ I'm sure Tenri would _love_ to add a forward for you."

"Shut up," Guren chuckled. Although he completely and utterly loathed the smell of strawberries and he couldn't bear the sight of jam for the rest of his life, all in all he was pleasantly surprised by the results of his test.

"I still can't believe you told Yuu that _I_ would be the death of you."

"Yeah, now I see my mistake."

"Thank you."

"You _both_ will be the death of me."

Shinya offered a harsh bark of laughter. "Well, I also can't believe you sent a _thirteen year old boy_ to _assassinate_ me."

"He's actually twelve, I think."

"Do you think that makes it any better?"

Guren shrugged. "It would have been more impressive if he had succeeded. Though, I'm sure he had some help with his little plan as well. I wonder who would have given him a _fucking_ jam sword."

It was Shinya's turn to look innocent. "Interesting question. It seemed like a waste of perfectly good jam. Speaking of which, I wonder who told him to go after _my_ jam."

"Believe it or not, that wasn't me. Goshi must've been the one to tell him that. _I_ didn't do anything."

Shinya lifted an eyebrow, a skeptical smile flickering across his lips. "So you want me to believe that you were the innocent victim throughout this entire ordeal? You had _no_ idea of what Yuu-kun was planning?"

"Damn right."

"Ahaha, fine then. I believe you," Shinya chuckled, pulling himself out of Guren's armchair. "Warn me the next time you send little angry assassins after me, m'kay?"

"Whatever."

Shinya shook his head before heading towards the door.

"Oi, where you going now?"

"Hmmm… I have to go pick up more jam. It's so peculiar—I don't know where all of mine went." He shot Guren another mischievous grin.

 _It's all over my damn uniform, that's where._

"Pick up the dry cleaning then while you're out. And don't forget to tip them when you pay the bill too."

Shinya tossed his head back with a bubbling laugh before disappearing through the threshold.

(Guren knew his pristine uniform would be on his desk by next morning.)

Finally alone, Guren sighed contently and turned back to his paperwork. However, after a few moments of restless skimming, he turned his gaze out towards the window, just in time to catch Yuu race across the courtyard, swinging a gnarled branch at invisible enemies.

 _What have I done?_

* * *

 **Thank you for reading!** I know this is just a silly nonsense fic, but it wouldn't leave my head until I finished it.


End file.
